Until recently I had been largely trying to find out the reasons why I’m not receiving God’s love on my own. I didn’t really realise that it is possible to ask God for help on anything even on helping us see the reasons why we push God away even though we believe we want God. Well that was the first lesson really, a part of me feels it wants God, has a burning desire for God even but I have distanced myself from my soul and I don’t know this part of me, and I’m actively doing things to avoid the real feelings that are present that push God away. Actually it goes further than that. I had at least 3 experiences this week when people said some straight forward things to me and I had totally unexpected emotional responses. In all of them I discovered something painful….not being as nice as I thought in one instance and in the other instances the strength of the emotion showed me how terrible I feel about myself and how much more I wanted the addiction of that person making me feel good. The first lesson seems to be then I am not aware or don’t want to be aware of what’s really in my soul. In fact, I feel my facade is real and the soul is some sort of “Despicable Me”, a troublesome teenager in the background that I want to go away and distance myself from. Logically I can see how this could happen, how we want to hide and repress all our feelings that were disapproved of to avoid punishment, ridicule and further hurt. The experience that came to mind for me was a child being asked to apologise and saying sorry when really they want to lash out in anger.
But really you don’t need to know about my personal experiences, the only point I want to make is this one, if we really want love from God we will get it. He doesn’t play games. If we are not feeling it, we are not being honest with ourselves. Something is wrong our end. Admitting I don’t have a clue has actually been a good place for me.